I proposed to a girl, she and her family accepted me, and there is only 3 months left for consummation. I am now confused because I am homosexual, I am inclined sexually to men more than women. No one knows this. Do I have to keep this secret forever, or should I tell this girl about it? I am very confused; I feel that I am deceiving her. She is a very good girl and deserves someone who is much better than me. If I marry her, she will definitely find out my secret one day, this may have very bad consequences; especially if we have children by then. I do not want to be unfair to anyone. We homosexuals are disgraced in Islam and have very limited options, we cannot marry like normal people, what is our fault? And what should we do? What is the wisdom behind us being created homosexuals? If you care about our matter and suffering tell us what shall we do?.
Homosexuality is a severe illness and a grave calamity. If it is accompanied by actually committing immoral actions, then it is even worse, because of the sin and abhorrent nature of those immoral actions and their bad consequences in this world and in the Hereafter.
Hence you should focus on how to treat this perversion and save yourself from this destructive evil, more than focusing on whether to conceal it from your fiancée or disclose it to her.
You should realize that there are causes for this calamity, and these causes may be due to what the person affected has done. The one who wants to save himself from this situation should examine these causes and rid himself of them, and do what we advise, otherwise he is approving of and accepting his condition and he does not want to change for the better. Among the causes which may be due to his own actions are the following:
Weakness of faith and remoteness of the heart from love of Allaah, and a lack of fear of His punishment.
Looking freely at beardless youths, and enjoying their beauty and form.
This is the first step towards sin for those who are affected by this disease. Allaah has enjoined lowering the gaze and refraining from looking at haraam things, and the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) has enjoined likewise. When he stopped following this command and began to do that which is forbidden, Iblees was able to shoot his poisoned arrow into his heart, and thus destroy him.
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Looking is the origin of most of the problems that befall man, because looking generates thoughts, then thoughts generate ideas, and ideas generate desires, and desires generate will, which then becomes stronger and becomes firm resolve, in which case the deed will inevitably be done unless there is something to prevent it. Hence it was said that patience in lowering the gaze is easier than patience in bearing the pain that comes afterwards. End quote from al-Jawaab al-Kaafi (p. 106).
Hence the scholars are unanimously agreed that it is haraam to look at beardless youths, and some of them regard that as more haraam than looking at women.
Imam al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Similarly the scholars forbade a man to look at the face of a beardless youth if he is handsome, whether with or without desire, and whether it is free of fitnah (temptation) or there is the fear thereof. This is the correct view which was favoured by the scholars. This was stated by al-Shaafa’i and the prominent scholars of his madhhab (may Allaah have mercy on them). The evidence for this is that a beardless youth is, in some ways, like a woman; he may be desired as a woman is desired, and his form may be beautiful like that of a woman, and many of them may be more beautiful than many women. The prohibition applies more to them for another reason, which is that in their case there may result from attachment to them types of evil that do not occur in the case of women. End quote.
Sharh Muslim (4/31).
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
Looking at the face of a beardless youth with desire is like looking as the face of a mahram or a non-mahram woman with desire, whether the desire is desire for intercourse or the desire to derive pleasure from looking. If he looks at his mother, sister or daughter with pleasure derived from looking like the pleasure derived from looking at a non-mahram woman, then it is known to everyone that this is haraam. The same applies to looking at the face of a beardless youth, according to scholarly consensus. End quote.
Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (15/413) and (21/245).
And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) also said:
The one who looks repeatedly at a beardless youth and the like, or persists in that, and says “I am not looking with desire” is lying, because if he has no need to look, then he is only looking because of the pleasure that he feels in his heart as a result. As for an accidental glance, it is forgiven, if he averts his gaze.
Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (15/419) and (21/251).
The kind of looking with which these sick people are afflicted includes what they watch on satellite channels and what they see in newspapers and magazines, and on websites, of pictures of children and beardless young men, and this is what provokes them to commit immoral actions.
3 – Falling short with regard to obligatory and naafil acts of worship
If the person who is afflicted with this problem prays on time, fulfilling the conditions and obligatory parts of prayer, that will be a deterrent that keeps him from falling into evil and immoral ways. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Verily, As‑Salaah (the prayer) prevents from Al‑Fahsha’ (i.e. great sins of every kind, unlawful sexual intercourse) and Al‑Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism, and every kind of evil wicked deed)”
So how about if he regularly performs sunnah and naafil prayers?
4 – Forsaking the Qur’aan and failing to read books about the lives of righteous men and the imams
The Book of Allaah contains guidance, light and healing; it is the best protection for the Muslim against falling into sin and it is the best remedy for the one who does fall into sin.
If he reads books about the imams and biographies of the scholars, he can take them as an example and become familiar with their stories and rise above immorality and evil.
5 – Falling short in seeking knowledge
Knowledge is light, through which one may know what is halaal and do it, and what is haraam and avoid it. Through it he may come to know his Lord, may He be exalted, and His names, attributes and deeds. That will generate in his heart a sense of shyness before his Lord and shyness before His angels, so that he will not want to commit evil and immoral actions. Through knowledge he will come to know the state of sinners and the punishment that Allaah has prepared for them.
6 – A lot of spare time in the lives of those who have this problem
If they kept themselves busy with acts of worship, sport, permissible actions and seeking knowledge, they would not have time to spend in thinking of haraam things, let alone doing them.
7 – Making friends and keeping company with bad people
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) likened the bad friend to one who works the bellows: he will either burn his companion’s clothes or he will notice a bad smell coming from him.
8 – Not getting married
Allaah has created natural desires in man, and He has made the outlet for that in women. The permissible way to do that is marriage. The one who goes against his natural state (fitrah) and diverts that desire towards other males like him, is even lower than the animals, for the animals that Allaah has created are in front of us, and do we ever see any male mounting another male or looking at him with desire? Look at this and compare it with the one who looks at beardless youths of his own gender with desire, and the one who commits immoral actions with them, and that even makes him refrain from marrying women!
See the answer to question no. 20068 for information on ways to escape and treat this disease.
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, describing the remedy for haraam love and infatuation: The remedy for this fatal disease is to understand that what has befallen him of this disease that is contrary to Tawheed is due to his ignorance and the negligence of his heart towards Allaah. He must acknowledge the Oneness of his Lord (Tawheed) and His laws and verses first of all, then he should do acts of worship, both inward and outward, which will distract his heart from always thinking of this thing, turn to Him a great deal and beseech Allaah to take this away from him. He should focus his heart on Him. There is no better remedy for it than sincerity towards Allaah. This is the remedy that Allaah mentioned in His Book when He said (interpretation of the meaning): “Thus it was, that We might turn away from him evil and illegal sexual intercourse. Surely, he was one of Our chosen, (guided) slaves” [Yoosuf 12:24].
Allaah tells us that He diverted the evil of infatuation and immoral actions away from him because of his sincerity, because if the heart is sincere and one’s actions are sincerely for the sake of Allaah alone, then the love of images cannot take hold of his heart; they can only take hold of an empty heart, as the poet said:
Her love came into my heart before I had any idea of what love is,
And it found my heart vacant, thus it too hold of it.
End quote from al-Jawaab al-Kaafi (p. 150, 151).
One of the gravest mistakes is to think that there is no remedy for this disease, and that the homosexual can never become straight. If that were the case, then Allaah would not have told the people of Loot to repent, and the Prophet of Allaah Loot (peace be upon him) would not have called them to give up their perversion. Allaah is the Creator of man, and He knows what can be changed in man and what cannot, so do not pay any attention to any claim that is contrary to that.
How many homosexuals have turned to their Lord and repented, and their repentance has been accepted and they have changed their ways, and their haraam desires have disappeared. Loot (peace be upon him) called on his people to marry, because that is an effective remedy, in which the one who is affected by this thing can direct his desires in the permissible manner.
From the above it is clear that what the homosexual falls into of being attached to images of beardless youths, or evil immoral actions, is the result of his deeds (and he is to blame). He is required to give it up, and he can rid himself of that. If we assume that he feels attracted to men, then he must resist that and avoid the causes that may lead to him falling into haraam, just as a normal man is naturally attracted to women, but he is required to lower his gaze and not be alone with a woman, and he must avoid all the means that lead to fitnah (temptation).
As for your saying “what should we do?”, we have explained to you what you should do. You should fear Allaah and respect Him so much that you do not want Him to see you in the bad situation which He dislikes for you, and for which He gives people a painful punishment.
But what we are really shocked by is what you say after that: “Is it our fault that we are like that? What is the wisdom behind a man being created like this?”
Yes, O slave of Allaah, the blame and consequences, the threat and punishment, all befall the one who commits the sin; he deserves it because of the evil acts that he has done and what his hands have earned.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And among men is he who disputes about Allaah, without knowledge or guidance, or a Book giving light (from Allaah),
9. Bending his neck in pride (far astray from the path of Allaah), and leading (others) too (far) astray from the path of Allaah. For him there is disgrace in this worldly life, and on the Day of Resurrection We shall make him taste the torment of burning (Fire).
10. That is because of what your hands have sent forth, and verily, Allaah is not unjust to (His) slaves”
Allaah also says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And those who dispute concerning Allaah (His religion of Islamic Monotheism with which Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم has been sent), after it has been accepted (by the people), of no use is their dispute before their Lord and on them is wrath, and for them will be a severe torment”
Shaykh al-Sa’di said (may Allaah have mercy on him): Here Allaah tells us that “those who dispute concerning Allaah”, with false proofs and contradictory specious arguments, “after it has been accepted (by the people)” i.e., after the people of insight and reason have responded to Allaah, because of the definitive signs and clear proof that He has made clear to them, therefore these people who dispute the truth after it has been made clear to them, “of no use is their dispute” i.e., it is false and rejected “before their Lord” because it implies rejection of the truth, and everything that is contrary to the truth is false.
“and on them is wrath” because of their disobedience and their turning away from the proof of Allaah and their rejecting it. “and for them will be a severe torment” which is the effect of Allaah’s wrath on them. This is the punishment of everyone who contests the truth with falsehood. End quote.
Allaah says of His lying enemies (interpretation of the meaning):
“And when they commit a Faahisha (evil deed, going round the Ka‘bah in naked state, every kind of unlawful sexual intercourse), they say: ‘We found our fathers doing it, and Allaah has commanded it on us.’ Say: ‘Nay, Allaah never commands Faahisha. Do you say of Allaah what you know not?’
29. Say (O Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم): My Lord has commanded justice and (said) that you should face Him only (i.e. worship none but Allaah and face the Qiblah, i.e. the Ka‘bah at Makkah during prayers) in each and every place of worship, in prayers (and not to face other false deities and idols), and invoke Him only making your religion sincere to Him (by not joining in worship any partner with Him and with the intention that you are doing your deeds for Allaah’s sake only). As He brought you (into being) in the beginning, so shall you be brought into being [on the Day of Resurrection in two groups, one as a blessed one (believers), and the other as a wretched one (disbelievers)].
30. A group He has guided, and a group deserved to be in error; (because) surely, they took the Shayaateen (devils) as Awliyaa’ (protectors and helpers) instead of Allaah, and think that they are guided”
Shaykh al-Sa’di (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Here Allaah says, describing the evil state of the mushrikeen who commit sins, and claim that Allaah commanded them to do them: “And when they commit a Faahisha (evil deed)” meaning everything that is regarded as abhorrent and repugnant, which includes their circumambulating the Ka’bah naked. “they say: ‘We found our fathers doing it” they spoke the truth concerning that. “and Allaah has commanded it on us” they were lying concerning that, hence Allaah rejected this attribution of theirs and said: “Say: ‘Nay, Allaah never commands Faahisha (evil deeds)’” i.e., it is not befitting to His perfection and wisdom to enjoin His slaves to commit evil deeds, whether it is what these mushrikeen were doing or anything else. “Do you say of Allaah what you know not?,” and what fabrication can be greater than that? End quote.
What you have said is what the enemies of Allaah, the mushrikeen and those who disbelieve His Messengers, say. They fall into sin, then they make excuses for it on the basis of qadar (the divine decree), saying that Allaah created them like that, or that He commanded them to do it; exalted be Allaah far above what the wrongdoers say.
Hence let the adulterer, thief and murderer say: What is my fault? Allaah created me like this. This false argument ultimately invalidates all the divine laws, and invalidates the commands and prohibitions, and gives people free rein, so that they fornicate like donkeys, and soon some of them may commit evil actions in the street, as will happen at the end of time, and as happens in some kaafir and sinful countries!
Do you know that you are the one who opened this door to yourself, but that Allaah has proof against you, and you have no proof against Allaah?
So keep yourself busy with closing the door to evil and corruption, before you become unable to close it, instead of keeping yourself busy wondering about the one who made the door and how come he did not keep it closed, as it seems that you do not know the difference between the door and the wall!
If you want it all to be a wall, with no door in it, and no lamp, then what is the point of accountability, and what is the value of commands and prohibitions, halaal and haraam, reward and punishment, Paradise and Hell?
To sum up our advice to you, we advise you to hasten to get married, so that you can put your sperm into that which is pure and halaal, and protect yourself against haraam sex.
But, so that you will not deceive the one who trusts you or betray that trust or transgress against one who has not wronged you, it is essential that you begin first with sincere repentance to Allaah from the sin of homosexuality that you have fallen into, and strive to do all kinds of acts of obedience. Keep yourself busy with Allaah and pleasing Him, then as soon as you feel that you have started to follow the path of guidance, and you feel that you are going in the right direction, then strengthen the motives of goodness and purity in your heart by marrying one who will keep you chaste. But before starting to treat the problem or feeling that you have repented sincerely, do not transgress against anyone else and do not betray the one who has trusted you.
We ask Allaah to heal you, purify your heart, and keep you chaste.
And Allaah knows best.