Thu 24 Jm2 1435 - 24 April 2014
145994

Her parents want her to marry her paternal cousin and are rejecting a suitor who is not family

ar
Praise be to Allah, I have been practising the teachings of Islam for four years. Since I started to do that, my father and mother have been trying to get me to marry my paternal cousin who lives in the West; he does not have a beard and his knowledge of Islam is extremely limited, although he prays the five daily prayers. But I want a person who understands my enthusiasm for Islam and will be better than me in knowledge so that I can learn from him. But my parents are telling me that I could teach him. 
My father also used to abuse me sexually from the time I was eleven years old, and I was terrified and very young, so I kept quiet. When I got older, I told my mother, but she is weak and is afraid that my father will leave her, so she believed him and not me. 
Now my parents do not like me and they call me a “Wahhabi” because I am not a Shaafa‘i like them. They insult me all the time in front of other family members. Now, praise be to Allah, my younger brother and my sisters are religiously committed, but my parents are telling me to stop contaminating the minds of their children. It is difficult for me to obey them because they are asking too much of me and they are persisting in mistreating me and calling me names. I no longer have any relationship with my father who refuses to speak to me about anything apart from exchanging greetings, because he says that I have accused him of serious things and because I only asked him not to touch me in that way. He believes that he is in the right and he does not believe that he has ever done anything wrong, because he did that to all of my sisters, but they did not say anything although one of them ran away from home. 
Now there is a brother who my brother thinks is suitable for me; he is religiously committed and has knowledge, but he is not from my country and my parents rejected him because they want me to marry my paternal cousin. I do not care about their rejection of this brother, but they are refusing to meet him and they say that the Prophet said that we should marry someone who is compatible to us, i.e., one of our family. I have tried to speak to them but they always insult me, and my mother cries and says that no one wants to listen to her and obey her. Is my refusal to marry my cousin regarded as disobedience towards them? I hope that you can advise me about how to deal with this situation, because I am very confused and am scared that Allah will punish me because my parents believe that I am not giving them their rights. 
Was I wrong to tell my mother about what my father was doing to me? But I have young sisters in the house and I am scared that my father will abuse them too. This thing destroyed my relationship with him and I do not want it to happen to them; I want them to love my father and obey him. This is what I find difficult now because of what happened in the past. Is my father right when he says that he has the right to do whatever he wants with us, because he is our father and it is even permissible for him to have intercourse with us. He said that it is haraam for us to say no to our parents because Prophet Ibraaheem never said no to his parents. I want to obey my parents but they are making it extremely difficult. I hope that you can advise me, O shaykh.

Praise be to Allaah.

Inna Lillaahi wa inna ilayhi raaji‘oon (Verily to Allah we belong and unto Him is our return). 

This is a very serious matter which shocks us to the core. How can the shepherd who is entrusted with the care of his flock turn into a ravenous wolf? How can a person -- no matter what his knowledge and education -- sink so low he thinks he has the right to do anything with his daughters, even as far as intercourse, and justify that as obedience to parents. Glory be to You (O Allah), this is a great lie. 

Undoubtedly the one who regards that as permissible is a kaafir according to the consensus of all Muslims. The fact that this is haraam is well known to any Muslim, and doing it is a perversion which no one would dare to do openly except a heretic. 

You did right to tell your mother and to take all measures to prevent him from doing these perverted and deviant acts with you. You have to treat him kindly and obey him in that which is right and proper, not in something that is a sin. 

You do not have to marry your paternal cousin; you have the right to accept him or reject him. It is not permissible to force a woman to marry someone she does not want, because the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “The previously-married woman has more right concerning herself than her guardian does, and the virgin should be asked for permission, and her permission is her silence.” Narrated by Muslim, 1421.  

And he (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “A previously-married woman should not be married until she has been consulted, and a virgin should not be married until her permission has been sought.” They said: O Messenger of Allaah, what is her permission? He said: “If she remains silent. Narrated by Muslim, 1491. 

If the righteous man whom you like proposes marriage but your father rejects him because he is not one of your family, then he is preventing you from marrying, and guardianship of you passes from him to the next closest male relative, who is the grandfather if he is present, then your brother. He may give you a marriage without the consent of the father. But you have to pay attention to negative consequences that may result from that. 

See the answer to question number 7193

We advise you to do a lot of acts of worship, turn to Allah and ask Him to protect you and your sisters. 

We ask Allah to help and guide you. 

And Allah knows best.

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