I have a major problem that is causing me great mental and physical pains and I pray you can advise me.
I have been married for nearly 8 years and of the last 4 years I have not had sexual intercourse with my wife.
In the past I have fulfiled my needs through actions that are not permited in Islam but in the last 2 years and with the guidance of Allah I have been guided to the right path.
I pray my salat 5 times a day and never miss my prayer.
The problem I have is that I am a very sexual person and I do not have any way of solving this problem. My wife is not interested in intimacy and I have no attraction to her. We do not even share the same bed.
I always think of getting divorced from her but for the sake of my children I stay with her. I live in a non-muslim country and for my daughter not to have a father figure would easily corrupt her.
I fear Allah and I do not want to go towards evil to solve my problems as I have done so in the past. I think of taking a second wife but I am not financialy capable of doing so. I do masturbate occasionaly when I can not control my urges but I feel great guilt and become depressed because of my actions. This is causing me great problems in my life and I have restless nights.
Praise be to Allah.
There is no doubt that what you have mentioned is a problem for which you must examine the causes and look for ways of dealing with it. It seems to us that the essence of the problem is clear from your saying, “My wife is not interested in intimacy and I have no attraction to her. We do not even share the same bed.”
How can two spouses live under the same roof for four years, without any intimacy taking place between them?
What problem in the marital relationship is clearer than that?
How can you not be attracted to her for this length of time?
How can the woman do without this natural need for this length of time, no matter how weak her libido is?
The first step in remedying the problem is for you both to understand that one of the aims and purposes of marriage is to attain chastity, fulfil desire, and establish tranquillity and love. With this behaviour you cannot establish a successful marital relationship.
You should both focus on seeking a remedy to this problem in an atmosphere of openness and mutual understanding. There is no shame in the husband telling his wife of his natural need for intimacy and finding out the reasons why she is not interested in him.
It is not only a matter of fulfilling your desires and needs; rather it is important to keep your wife chaste too, and you are responsible for that; the fact that you are not attracted to her does not absolve you of this responsibility.
The marital relationship is based on fulfilling rights and duties more than it is based on emotions and inclinations. If we assume that you do not feel attracted to your wife, you are still responsible for maintaining her chastity and you have to do address the issue of your not being attracted to her and her not being interested in you. Perhaps there are barriers preventing you becoming closer to one another, such as bad treatment, being too busy, or other reasons.
Moreover, this failing relationship that is devoid of connection and intimacy is surrounded by crises on all sides; indeed it is causing crises. It is essential to examine its effects on daily interaction, because that poses a threat to the children that cannot be ignored.
Our advice to you is to sit down with your wife, try to draw closer to her, and fear Allah, may He be exalted, with regard to her. You should both understand the wisdom behind marriage and its purposes, and correct your relationship with Allah, then He will set your affairs straight, for Allah has promised a good life to those who believe and do righteous deeds, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Whoever works righteousness, whether male or female, while he (or she) is a true believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)”
So try hard to do something about these causes and you will find that things will fall into place, in sha Allah. We believe that if you sleep together in the same bed, that will close a great deal of the distance between you and will generate compassion and love between you.
And Allah knows best.