20162: She married her boyfriend and is living a miserable life with him


I left home at XXX and married my XXX yr old college boyfriend ( I know it was wrong please don't judge me) i now live with his family and have a little 1 yr old girl. The problem is I want to try and bring my daughter up as religiously as possible I maybe destined for hell but i do not wish to drag my daughter with me. I feel that my husband is not giving me this opportunity or his family. They care about my daughter but constantly listen to music and watch tv I hate this because my daughter is begining to enjoy this sort of thing and do not want my daughter exposed to this. The main problem is I regret marrying my husband with all my heart I feel that he regrets it too.We argue All the time about his family and money. I can't stand talking to him because he is always miserable and does not know where he is going in life or what he is to do. he can't hold a job because he gets 'bored' easily i work and so does he but he still can't even provide for us he spends all his money and can not answer for it. I have to provide for me and my daughter and on most occasions for him we earn the same amount and yet I am able to save for the future while he spends it like water.he behaves as if he were a single person with no worries,The only reason we are together is because of my daughter. I wish i could leave because I am so unhappy I am a wreck. i have lost all self esteem. I went for sweet talk/excitment in a man rather then religion and character and i realise now that this is the most important thing in a man because a man who follows religion correctly and is of good character is a better husband.
I myself am a weak muslim i need someone to guide me and although my husband went to Madrasha he does not bother with religion and right and wrong of religion. he wants me to slave for him and his family and does not care for what i want. I want to know what Islam says about us being together. Does my happiness count at all because I see a very bleak future with my husband. but i know i can not cope without my family who will probably disown me if I left my husband. But they understand that i am going through alot. we seperated for awhile and I stayed with my family but he came back apolagising this was a few months ago. I care for my husband because once we were sort of happy but we have lost each other we have lost the love and friendship we once had. I don't think we will get that back. We live together but lead almost separate lives. 
Please advise me as to what I can do for my future and the future of my daughter. I do not want to deprive her of her father but my marriage is a unhappy one believe me.

Praise be to Allaah.  

The story you tell in your question in and of itself offers a serious lesson to every girl who follows her whims and desires, fails to obey Allaah and leaves her family and her home in order to commit sin in an atmosphere of fitnah. Your question also offers a lesson to every sinner, to look at the consequences to which their sin may lead them. We ask Allaah to forgive us, you and every Muslim man and woman. 

With regard to the marriage contract between you and him, if it was not done in the presence of your guardian and with his approval – which is what seems to be the case – then it is not valid, and it is haraam for you to stay with him in this case or to let him be intimate with you, because he is not your husband. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “There is no marriage (nikaah) without a guardian (wali).” And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid.” 

I advise you to do a number of things: 

1 – You must ask him to put this matter right, by making a new marriage contract with you, with a mahr (dowry) and the presence of your guardian and two witnesses. From what you say it seems that your family now approve of your marriage to him. So there is nothing to prevent you putting this haraam situation right. If that is not done then he is not your husband, and it is haraam for you to stay with him. 

2 – I advise you to be patient and to seek reward with Allaah for the difficulties and stress that you are facing. For these difficulties will be an expiation for your previous sins. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No worry or grief befalls a believer, not even a thorn that pricks him, but Allaah will expiate thereby some of his sins.” Your patience will end in a way out, in sha Allah. As the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The way out comes with patience.” 

3 – Note that unpleasant things only happen to people because of their sins. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned. And He pardons much”

[al-Shoora 42:30] 

The difficulties and unhappiness that you are going through may be a punishment from Allaah for your disobeying your family and committing this haraam action. But your regret and putting this matter right, in sha Allaah, will be your repentance, for the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Regret is repentance.” I hope that Allaah will take away from you, as a result of this repentance, the worry and distress that you are feeling. 

4 – Make a lot of du’aa’ and feel that you are in need of Allaah and have no one else to turn to. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“Is not He (better than your gods) Who responds to the distressed one, when he calls on Him, and Who removes the evil…?”[al-Naml 27:62] 

“And your Lord said: “Invoke Me [i.e. believe in My Oneness (Islamic Monotheism) and ask Me for anything] I will respond to your (invocation)”[Ghaafir 40:60] 

If a person is helped (by Allaah) to make du’aa’, then his prayer will be answered. Make the most of the times and places where du’aa’ is answered, such as when prostrating, before saying the tasleem at the end of the prayer, in the last third of the night, and on Fridays, especially after ‘Asr prayer. 

5 – You have to advise your husband and cooperate with him in obeying Allaah. Take him by the hand and start a new life in which your aim is to please Allaah. May Allaah help you both to do that which He loves and which pleases Him. And Allaah knows best.

Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
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