45864: Her father mistreats her and her mother resents her, and this has affected her relationship with her husband


I got married two years ago. My husband – praise be to Allaah – fears Allaah with regard to the way he treats me, but I have a psychological complex because of a father who did not fear Allaah with regard to me, my siblings and my mother, which created resentment in my heart and in my siblings’ hearts towards him. Even though I have got married and moved away from that horrible life, I cannot help but be upset because of my mother’s and siblings’ suffering. They are still suffering and that affects the way I treat my husband who respects me, but his patience sometimes runs out when he sees me so sad most of the time and he thinks that I like to be miserable. What should I do? Also, my siblings and I cannot respect my father because of the way he has treated us; what should we do to rid ourselves of our resentment towards him? We try to respect him, but he does not respect anyone and he suffers from a complex whereby he hates everyone who is better than him, and he loves to show off and to stand out, i.e., he wants to show people that he owns a great deal even though he does not own anything, rather he is in debt. I hope that you can help me to solve this problem.

Praise be to Allaah.  

Firstly: 

With regard to your father, you have to keep on advising him and reminding him of what Allaah has enjoined upon him with regard to himself and to his family. 

You have to try different methods of advising him. It may be hard for him to hear it from you, but do not despair of reminders and exhortations reaching him by way of your relatives or his friends. You could also let him listen to some useful tapes. 

Secondly: 

You have to fear Allaah with regard to your husband. You should not bring the worries of your family into your husband’s house and place them on his shoulders, especially since he treats you well and you do not see anything from him that upsets you. What you have to do is to appreciate him and treat him kindly. This is what Allaah commands you to do. 

Thirdly: 

No one is free of diseases – except those on whom Allaah has mercy. The fact that your father likes to show off and to appear to be better than others means that you have to be compassionate towards him, not resent him. The fact that he has treated you badly and is still doing so means that you should show mercy towards him, for if he dies and meets his Lord in that state, then he will meet Him with many sins. 

Hence you and your siblings and family have to look again at your relationship with your father and your attitude towards him, for Allaah has commanded us to treat parents well and honour them, even if they call us to shirk and kufr. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do”

[Luqmaan 31:15] 

Ibraaheem (peace be upon him) debated with his mushrik father politely, as Allaah tells us (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And mention in the Book (the Qur’aan) Ibraaheem (Abraham). Verily, he was a man of truth, a Prophet.

42. When he said to his father: ‘O my father! Why do you worship that which hears not, sees not and cannot avail you in anything?

43. ‘O my father! Verily, there has come to me of the knowledge that which came not unto you. So follow me, I will guide you to the Straight Path.

44. ‘O my father! Worship not Shaytaan (Satan). Verily, Shaytaan (Satan) has been a rebel against the Most Gracious (Allaah).

45. ‘O my father! Verily, I fear lest a torment from the Most Gracious (Allaah) should overtake you, so that you become a companion of Shaytaan (Satan) (in the Hell-fire).’

46. He (the father) said: ‘Do you reject my gods, O Ibraaheem (Abraham)? If you stop not (this), I will indeed stone you. So get away from me safely (before I punish you).’

47. Ibraaheem (Abraham) said: ‘Peace be on you! I will ask forgiveness of my Lord for you. Verily, He is unto me Ever Most Gracious’”

[Maryam 19:41-47] 

Look at the etiquette of this Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and how he addressed his mushrik father who was threatening his Muslim son. In this there is a great lesson for those who suffer a similar problem with their fathers. 

Fourthly: 

With regard to the grief that you feel, it should not make you stop doing things or prevent you from doing acts of worship, or make you fall short in doing that which Allaah has enjoined upon you, such as the duties that Allaah has enjoined upon you towards your husband, or the duty to call your father to Allaah. 

We advise you to recite a du’aa’ for protection, and another for healing. 

The du’aa’ for protection is as follows: 

It was narrated from Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say: “Allaahumma inni a’oodhu bika min al-hammi wa’l-hazani wa’l’ajzi wa’l-kasali wa’l-jubni wa’l-bukhli wa dala’ il-dayn wa ghalbat al-rijaal (O Allaah, I seek refuge with You from worry, grief, incapacity, laziness, cowardice, miserliness, from being heavily in debt and from being overcome by men).” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6008.  

The du’aa’ for healing is as follows: 

It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a person who is afflicted by anxiety or sorrow says: ‘Allaahumma inni ‘abduka wa ibnu ‘abdika wa ibn ammatika naasiyati bi yadika maadin fiyya hukmuka ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka as’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw asta’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghaybi ‘indaka an taj’al al-Qur’aana rabee’a qalbi wa nooar sadri wa jalaa’a huzni wa dhahaaba hammi (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You with which You have named Yourself, or, or You have taught to any of Your creation, or You have revealed in Your Book, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the Unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heat and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety)’, then Allaah will take away his anxiety and sorrow, and will replace it with joy.” 

It was said: “O Messenger of Allaah, should we not learn it?” He said: “Yes, whoever hears it should learn it.” 

Narrated by Ahmad, 3704; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 199. 

And Allaah knows best.

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