I love my husband very much and he loves me, but I am quick-tempered and sharp-tongued (I am harsh with my husband and his family) because he is too busy to pay any attention to me, my daughter and the house altogether.
He serves the people and his family, but he does not sit with me. It may be because when in the past I had a relationship with some young men for nearly a year and a half, but praise be to Allaah it was by phone only and I stopped. Then three years later I got married.
My question is: how can I change? I do not want to make him angry, I want to respect him. Help me. I am quick-tempered, and I want a solution that will give me relief and let me live happily with my husband and daughter. Please note that I do not feel that I am married or am a wife or the mother of a daughter and a housewife who is running a home. There is a big vacuum in my life.
A common mistake is for each spouse to tell the other everything about their previous lives before marriage, on the grounds that they should not leave anything of their past lives untold to their new loves and should be completely frank and open, so their relationship will have a strong foundation with nothing to affect it.
Real life has shown this idea to be a failure, because in most cases the spouses cannot stand this. If they put up with it at the beginning when the intensity of new love prevents an immediate reaction, then when love cools down things that were hidden begin to appear and affect their lives and make things difficult for them. Then problems begin to appear and the flames of jealousy begin to burn and the relationship begins to break down.
Whatever happened before you got married is over and belongs in the past, and no one among people should know of it no matter what his status or how close he is to you. If it was a sin and you have repented with all the conditions of repentance, it is between you and Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted, because repentance is what erases whatever sins come before it, not telling the husband.
One of the conditions of repentance is regretting what has happened, giving up the sin and resolving not to go back to it. And you should also do a lot of good deeds and pray for forgiveness, to make up for what you have missed.
And the believer is enjoined to conceal himself.
The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Avoid these reprehensible things which Allaah has forbidden, but whoever has done any of them, let him conceal himself with the concealment of Allaah.” Narrated by al-Haakim and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ (149).
Al-Bukhaari (6069) narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “All of my ummah will be fine except those who commit sin openly. It is part of committing sin openly for a man to do something at night then in the morning, when Allaah has concealed him, he says: ‘O So and so, I did such and such last night,’ when all night his Lord had concealed him, but the next day he discloses what Allaah had concealed for him.”
What you have mentioned about your love for your husband, which is the basis for married life, is a good start and a solid foundation for solving the differences that exist between you, in sha Allaah.
Show your husband this love in real terms, by showing you care about him. Change your attitude towards him, change yourself, your appearance, your house, make a real change.
Perhaps he is bored of routine and the rhythm of daily life in which there is no change.
Try to attract his attention to you, your house and your daughter in all the ways that you can, but beware of complaining or showing that you are unhappy about some of his private affairs because that would be an obstacle to reaching an understanding between you.
Adopt the etiquette of Islam and beware of being hot-tempered, because the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) advised against getting angry.
Al-Bukhaari (6116) narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that a man said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): Advise me. He said: “Do not get angry.” He repeated it several times, saying: “Do not get angry.”
We are also enjoined to guard our tongues. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said when he was advising Mu’aadh (may Allaah be pleased with him): “Restrain this,” i.e., your tongue. I said: O Messenger of Allaah, will we be called to account for what we say? He said: “May your mother be bereft of you, O Mu’aadh! Will people be thrown in Hell on their faces or their noses for anything other than the harvest of their tongues?” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Silsilat al-Ahaadeeth al-Saheehah (772).
What you have mentioned about your being hot-tempered and sharp-tongued are things that lead to destruction and destroy the basis of family life.
Perhaps these are the reason why your husband has turned away from you. Perhaps he finds with this family and other people the respect and good manners that he does not find with you, and that has made him resort to what he is doing.
So try to change the way you behave and control yourself. Turn to Allaah and pray that you and he be guided and develop a good attitude and proper etiquette, for Allaah is Ever-Near, Most Responsive.
I ask Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted, to bring you together and may He help us and you to do that which He loves and which pleases Him.
And Allaah knows best.