I am a 28 years old girl. Religious and cultured, everyone respects and loves me, Alhamdulillah. I am not married, and the reason is that whenever anyone proposes to me I try to find any mistakes in him; to refuse his proposal, and then I regret. I have a friend who I trust a lot. She loves me and loves to see every good happening to me. Few days ago she said to me: “the reason why you refuse everyone is a spell on you by a person who does not want you to marry”, I want to know the Islamic ruling on my matter. Can it really be sihr? I mean: can someone put a spell on me to make me refuse marriage even if I was persuaded by the person who wants to marry me? If this is right then what is the solution? She told me also that there are people who can break this spell. Please help me as I frankly do not believe this.
One of two scenarios must apply with regard to the suitor whom you are rejecting:
1 – He actually does have bad characteristics.
2 – That is an illusion on your part, and is not actually the case.
If the former is true, then you have done well to reject him and not accept him as a husband. No husband is fit for a woman except one who is religiously committed and of good character; he is the one who can guide her to do good and help her to obey her Lord, and raise her children in the best manner.
But we must draw attention to something that is very important, which is that it is not up to people to judge what is inside people’s hearts, and no one is enjoined to do that. Even the Messenger of Allaah SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “I have not been commanded to check people’s hearts or split open their bellies (meaning checking what is in their hidden thoughts).” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (4351) and Muslim (1064).
As we are not enjoined to do that, how people appear outwardly to be is sufficient for us. If someone appears to us to be good, we trust him, and we judge him as he appears to be, and his case is up to Allaah.
It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Utbah said: I heard ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allaah be pleased with him) say: “People used to be judged by the wahy (revelation) at the time of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), but now the wahy has ceased. Now we will judge you according to what we see of your outward deeds. Whoever appears good to us, we will trust him and draw close to him, and what is in his heart has nothing to do with us. Allaah will call him to account for what is in his heart. And whoever appears bad to us, we will not trust him and we will not believe him, even if he says that inwardly he is good.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2641.
Soon, if you examine people and try to find out how they are inside, no one will be good enough for you. Look at yourself first: are you free of the things that you look for in others?
It was narrated that Mu’aawiyah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “If you seek out people’s faults you will soon corrupt them or almost corrupt them.”
Abu’l-Darda’ said: A word that Mu’aawiyah heard from the Messenger of Allaah by which Allaah benefited him.
Narrated by Abu Dawood (4888) and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani.
Al-Manaawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Because people indulge in gossip and may accuse others of something that has no basis.
Seeking out suspected faults may lead to the very faults that he wants to remove.
To sum up: The Lawgiver seeks to conceal wherever possible.
Fayd al-Qadeer (1/559).
So our advice to you, and to all our sisters who are looking for a suitable husband, is that the woman should not be so strict in the conditions that should be met by the husband with regard to character and religious commitment, for two reasons:
1 – She may not herself have the level of religious commitment and beauty that would make men who are of good character and religious commitment seek her out and propose to her. In that case there is no justification for her refusal, because it may be impossible or very difficult for the one who she imagines to come and seek her as a wife. She should pay attention to this matter because it is important.
2 – People vary in their character and level of religious commitment. If there comes to her one who is of good character and religiously committed, she should realize that there are some who are better then him and others to whom he is superior. Hence she should accept one who is god enough to be her husband and help her to keep chaste and direct her to that which is good.
If the latter is the case, then it is more likely that it is caused by destructive envy (hasad) or witchcraft. This kind of witchcraft is called sihr al-ta’teel. You can find out if this is the case if the one who proposed marriage is of good character and religiously committed, and has no faults, and you accept him and he accepts you, but then nothing happens, or you reject him for no apparent reason.
Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abd al-Rahmaan al-Jibreen (may Allaah preserve him) said:
As for witchcraft that prevents marriage: women often complain of sihr al-ta’teel, as marriage does not happen even though the conditions are met and there are no impediments. Suitors may come and be accepted, but then they go away without anything being achieved. Undoubtedly this is due to a reason caused by some enviers to prevent the marriage from being completed, to the extent that some girls remain without marriage and if the marriage does go ahead in some cases, there happens something to prevent the couple from getting along and having a happy life.
Al-Sawaa’iq al-Mursalah fi Tasaddi li’l-Musha’widheena wa’l-Sahrah (p. 175).
The solution in both cases is easy, in sha Allaah. If it is the matter of you being too strict about the qualities that you want in a husband, then you should realize that the solution to this problem is to accept a husband who has the qualities of manliness, love of good and religious commitment that prevent him from doing haraam things. People vary in this, so accept the one who is commended to you by a sincere and trustworthy advisor who is a good and religiously committed person, and knows your situation and that of the suitor. Perhaps Allaah will cause him to be good for you.
If you have been afflicted with the evil eye or a spell has been worked against you, the solution lies in dealing with it in the ways prescribed in sharee’ah, which we have explained in the answers to question no. 13792, 11290 and 12918.
There is no need to look for people to undo the spell; reciting Qur’aan and ruqyahs is something that you can do by yourself. If you are not able to do that, then look for a sister whose religious commitment you trust to do that for you, and try to keep away from men.
We ask Allaah to help you to do all that is good, and we ask Him to make you steadfast in adhering to His religion, and to bless you with a righteous husband.
And Allaah knows best.