66266: She formed a relationship with a man over the phone, and she wants advice
I am a young woman who had an extremely personal problem, and I could not find anyone but one virtuous man to solve it, but he could not, and the problem ended, praise be to Allaah. The problem is that when I spoke to this man on the phone, he told me, after the problem was solved, to look for a righteous husband. He asked me to call him every two weeks, but I refused and told him that when he found a good man, he could contact me through e-mail so that I could phone him. Months went by and he wrote to me and I phoned him. He asked me for my details and I gave him all that over the phone, but during the conversation he was joking with me a great deal, and again he told me to call him because contacting one another by phone was better, as he said. Should I do that or not? Please note that I have become affected by his words and I started to think of him a great deal. He said words that affect me somewhat, such as, “I love you for the sake of Allaah” or “I feel comfortable with you”. Is it permissible for a man to say to a non-mahram woman, “I love you for the sake of Allaah” or not? Finally, I hope that you can advise me as to how I can solve this problem?.
A man has no right to say to a non-mahram woman, “I love you for the sake of Allaah” or “I feel comfortable with you”, or to joke with her, because of the fitnah involved in that, especially if she is young. Such words or jokes usually lead to fitnah of the heart and becoming attached to the one who says such things. This is what has happened in your case, and Allaah is the One Whose help we seek.
Some men may do this out of heedlessness and with good intentions, and they may be righteous and good, because they are used to speaking in this manner. We do not think badly of the one who has said this, but his speaking in this manner to a young woman like you is a mistake and is undoubtedly haraam. It is sufficient for you to remember that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Sin is that which wavers in your heart and which you dislike people finding out about.” Narrated by Muslim, 2553. We do not think that this man or anyone else would like people to know that he said to a young woman like you, “I love you for the sake of Allaah” or “I feel comfortable with you”.
With regard to his efforts to find you a righteous husband, there is nothing wrong with his doing that, rather this is something good for which he will be rewarded by Allaah. But he does not have the right to get to know your details, i.e., details that have to do with your appearance. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No woman should mix with a woman and describe her to her husband so that it is as if he can see her.” Narrated by Muslim, 5240. So how about if the woman is describing herself?
Rather it is permissible for the one who is proposing marriage to look at the one to whom he wishes to propose marriage, because of the interests that may be served by that, subject to the condition that he is seriously interested in marrying the woman if he finds her pleasing.
The one who wants to propose marriage may learn about the characteristics of the one to whom he wants to propose, based on what has been stated by the scholars, that it is permissible to look at the woman to whom one wants to propose marriage without her knowledge, so as to avoid the embarrassment that may result from going to her wali (guardian) then not going ahead with the proposal after seeing her.
No man – whether he is righteous or otherwise – has the right to find out these characteristics. The man mentioned should have asked his family to act as go-betweens or asked other righteous women to take care of this matter.
What you have to do now is to cut off all ties with this man completely, whether by phone or by mail. And you have to ask Allaah for forgiveness and repent to Him from your negligence in this matter and telling this non-mahram about your characteristics.
The fact that you are upset by this matter and are worried about its effect on yourself and your worship is a sign that your heart is (spiritually) alive, praise be to Allaah.
Daa’iyahs, those who give advice and teachers should beware of the traps and tricks of the Shaytaan, and they should remember the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “I am not leaving behind me any fitnah that is more harmful to men than women.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5096; Muslim, 2740.
And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “This world is fresh and sweet, and Allaah has appointed you over it, so see how you will do. Fear this world and fear women, for the first fitnah faced by the Children of Israel had to do with women.” Narrated by Muslim, 2742.
May Allaah help us and you to remain chaste and righteous.
And Allaah knows best.