70235: She is a new Muslim and cannot control her feelings at the time of her menses
I am firstly 19, canadian convert.I gave birth two mths ago to my second child.alhumdulilah. My being on my menses was a very difficult and trialing time for me.I have had alot of problems during this time(alhumdulilah for allthe good and bad) so during this time i aquired the habit of tending to swear to get out my frustraion of my overwhelming work. I understand the hadith that women willget punished for bad usage of theeir tongues. I am at a point now. where I am trying to be patient and I am trying to hold my tongue from saying inproper statements but I find my anger getting the best of me. I need to know firstly If there is any way that I can try to control these problems of anger ,swearing and feeling overwhelmed?(any dua'as?) and also is my husband allowed to do any physical harm to me or divorce whilest I am TRYING MY BEST to my knowledge to control myself with out the help of my husband or friends or family. I have begged my husband repeadedly begged my husband to help me help my iman and to help me to teach me more islam and read quran to me since I have no tapes and do not know how to read qur'an.I feel Alhumdulilah my husband is the best. I just want to know under these circumstances if he can divorce or physically harm me in anyway.Since I am trying my best to abide by allah tothe best that i can.
We praise Allaah for having guided you to Islam and we ask Him to increase you in guidance, faith and steadfastness.
Menstruation is something that Allaah has decreed for women. It is well known that the menstruating woman may feel stressed and irritable during her menses, but she has to fear Allaah and try hard to be patient; she has to restrain her tongue and avoid things that Allaah has forbidden such as swearing, insulting others, and so on. She must strive to control herself with regard to that (jihad al-nafs), and she will find a change and improvement, in sha Allaah.
The husband should pay attention to his wife’s feelings and be sympathetic if she is suffering with anything. He should overlook her mistakes and try to comfort her, and be patient in doing so. He should not hasten to punish her or leave her, for married life is not based on separation, rather it is based on stability and continuity. Life is not free of disturbances, and the couple will succeed to the extent that they are able to overcome troubles and create happiness and affection between one another.
The husband has no right to harm his wife physically; it is not permissible for him to hit her except in the case where other means of correction have failed, such as warning her and forsaking her in her bed. If hitting becomes permissible, then it should not be done with the intention of causing harm, rather the intention should be to rebuke and discipline. Hence it is stipulated that it should not be a blow that leaves a mark or causes pain. But hitting should not be resorted to except in extreme cases.
End quote from Fataawa ‘Ushrat al-Nisa’, p. 151, by Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him).
The husband should help his family to obey Allaah and make it easy for them to acquire beneficial knowledge, by bringing home books and tapes, or taking them to Islamic centres so that they can learn how to read Qur’aan and about Islam. If your husband falls short in this regard, you can acquire many tapes through the Internet or by contacting some Islamic centres that are close to you.
Anger, swearing and feelings overwhelmed with what you have to do may be dealt with in several ways:
1 – Seeking refuge with Allaah from the accursed Shaytaan when feeling angry. Al-Bukhaari (3282) and Muslim (2610) narrated that Sulaymaan ibn Surad said: I was sitting with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and two men were trading insults, One of them was red in the face and his veins were standing out. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “I know a word which, if he said it, what he is feeling would go away. If he said, ‘I seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan,’ what he is feeling would go away.”
2 – Changing one’s posture when feeling angry. Abu Dawood (4782) narrated that Abu Dharr (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to us: “If one of you gets angry when he is standing, let him sit down; if his anger disappears, all well and good, otherwise let him lie down.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.
3 – Bring to mind the reward for patience, forbearance and restraining your anger, for that is the characteristic of the pious who are promised Paradise, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And march forth in the way (which leads to) forgiveness from your Lord, and for Paradise as wide as the heavens and the earth, prepared for Al-Muttaqoon (the pious).
134. Those who spend (in Allaah’s Cause) in prosperity and in adversity, who repress anger, and who pardon men; verily, Allaah loves Al-Muhsinoon (the good‑doers)”
[Aal ‘Imraan 3:133-134]
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever restrains his anger when he is able to act upon it, Allaah will fill his heart with pleasure on the Day of Resurrection.” Narrated by Ibn Abi’l-Dunya; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb, 2623.
4 – Remember that anger and swearing will not avail you anything and will not relieve you of any burden, rather you earn sin thereby, and they bring more worry and stress. Help and ease only come by drawing close to Allaah, may He be exalted, and by striving to obey Him.
5 – You should organize your time and hasten to carry out any tasks you have to do, so that they will not pile up and make you feel overwhelmed.
6 – You should avail yourself of the beneficial treatment that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught to his daughter Faatimah (may Allaah be pleased with her), when she complained that she had too much work and it was burdensome, and she needed a servant. Al-Bukhaari (6318) and Muslim (2728) narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that Faatimah (may Allaah be pleased with her) came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and asked him for a servant, complaining about her work. He said to her: “Shall I not tell you of something that is better for you than a servant? Say Subhaan-Allaah (Glory be to Allaah) thirty-three times, al-hamdu-Lillaah (praise be to Allaah) thirty-three times, and Allaahu akbar (Allaah is Most Great) thirty-four times when you go to bed.” Some of the scholars have explained this hadeeth by noting that the one who regularly remembers Allaah will be given strength that is greater than the strength used by a servant, or things will become easy for him and he will no longer need a servant.
End quote from Fath al-Baari.
We ask Allaah to grant you help, steadfastness and success.
And Allaah knows best.