My father is a very angry person. He yells and swears almost non-stop. When he really losses it he breaks things around the house. He's tried to hit my mother once but we stopped him. He calls us prostitutes and homosexuals when he's mad. When he's not he claims he's a good Muslim. I printed out the article I found on your site about controlling one's anger, but he took it lightly.
I am not in need of him nor is any of my siblings. I find it hard to believe that even under these circumstances we must honor him when he stoops to the lowest levels to insult us. He can also be dangerous, he threatens to hurt us and I am afraid that one day he will deliver.
What is the ruling on honoring this type of father? Can we move out?
Praise be to Allaah.
If you are not causing his anger then there is no blame on you. But at the same time you are obliged to treat him kindly and honour him. Allaah has enjoined honouring one’s parents even if they believe in shirk (associating others in worship with Allaah), so how about those whose sin is less than that?
With regard to your moving out, if he agrees to that and it will be better for him, then there is nothing wrong with it. Otherwise, strive to be patient in putting up with what he does to you, for that will not be lost, and you will meet it before Allaah (i.e., it will count in your favour on the Day of Resurrection).
If a man who is employed can put up with bad treatment from a boss, and bears his anger and insults with patience for the sake of earning a living and keeping his job, then you should certainly be able to put up with your father’s bad treatment and insults for the sake of pleasing Allaah and earning His reward. If he dies after you have been patient with him, you will not regret it, but if he dies when you are opposing him and shunning him, you might blame yourself and say, “If only I had been patient, if only I had put up with him…” I hope that you will convey my salaams to your father and tell him that whoever strives against his own nafs (self) and does not get angry will attain Paradise, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told us. Tell him that destroying furniture is a waste of money and is something which is haraam. According to a saheeh hadeeth, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade us to waste money. And tell him that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to restrain his tongue, so let him follow his example, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Indeed in the Messenger of Allaah (Muhammad) you have a good example to follow”
If your father gets angry, do not try to advise him when he is in the heat of his anger, for he might persist and get carried away. Offer him advice when his anger has ceased and he has calmed down, for then he will be more likely to respond. Make the person with whom your father isangry go away quietly so as not to make matters worse. There is nothing wrong with you defending your mother, in fact this is required of you, but not by means of you physically fighting with your father. Rather you should take your mother quietly away from the scene after reminding your father of Allaah and advising him to seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan. May Allaah help you and may He help us and you to do all that is good.