Advice for dealing with a gay son

Praise be to Allah.

We have read your message, and we understand your suffering and share your grief. We ask Almighty Allah to grant your son well-being and to guide him back to the straight path and make him one of His righteous slaves, and to make the day come when you will have the joy of seeing him return to the right path.

Your question refers to two issues:

The first issue has to do with whether you are responsible before Allah for your son’s deviation.

It is no secret that Allah has put parents in charge of raising their children, and He has commanded them to do that. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

{O you who believe, guard yourselves and your families against a fire whose fuel is men and stones, over which are [appointed] angels harsh and stern, who do not disobey Allah in whatever He commands them, and they do whatever they are commanded to do} [at-Tahrim 66:6].

And the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Each of you is in a position of responsibility and each of you is answerable for those under his care. The ruler of the people is in a position of responsibility and is answerable for those under his care. A man is in a position of responsibility over his household and is answerable for those under his care. A woman is in a position of responsibility over her husband’s house and children and is answerable for those under her care. The servant is in a position of responsibility over his master’s wealth and is answerable for it.” Narrated by al-Bukhari (853).

We cannot evaluate the extent to which you fulfilled this responsibility in a country where you are confronted with forces that have a deep impact on children in schools, the media and elsewhere. The responsibility is greater for one who chose to live in a non-Muslim country with his children, as Muslim families pay a high moral price for this choice.

Hence the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) emphatically forbade the Muslim to settle in the lands of non-Muslims. He only did that because of the great evils that result from settling in such lands, from which no one except Allah can save him.

If there was any shortcoming or neglect, then you must repent and seek Allah’s forgiveness.

Whatever the case, what must be done is to seek a solution to the current problem, deal with what has happened, and strive to prevent what has not happened, lest this happen again – Allah forbid – with his younger siblings.

Please see the answer to question no. 52893 .

The second part of your question has to do with your cutting off ties with your son.

You did not state your son’s age in the question, or when the signs of deviant behaviour began to appear in him. Whatever the case, before cutting off ties with him, there are steps and effectives measures that could be taken to bring him back to the straight path and rid him of this deviation, especially if he is below the age of twenty. In that case, cutting off ties with him may make him go even further astray, because you are living in a society which embraces such cases and makes them deviate further. What we advise you to do is the following:

1. Do not cut off ties with him or kick him out of the house. His remaining with you will give you more chances to try to set him straight by direct and indirect means.

You can take him with you to Islamic centres or places which you think will help to expedite his repentance and rid him of this problem.

So long as a person’s soul is still in his body, there should be no despair.

Lut continued to communicate with his people until the last moment, despite their persisting in committing evil actions, individually and in groups.

One of the greatest remedies for one who is tested with this calamity is to remind him of Allah and warn him of His punishment, and remind him of what happened to the people of Lut and the divine wrath that befell them. If he fears Allah and hopes for that which is with Him, that will enable him to start resisting this urge and will prompt him to deal with it, and give up his whims and desires, and even his sickness and deviance.

2. You should be close to him and take him with you whenever you can. You should organize some Islamic activities with him and the rest of the family, such as reading Qur’an or some of the Prophet’s biography (Sirah). Perhaps you could take him on a trip for ‘umrah, and that may be a step along the way to change him.

3. You should try to move from the neighbourhood where you are living, to a neighbourhood in which there are more opportunities to help expedite his recovery and rid him of this deviance, even if that causes you some trouble or means returning to your Muslim homeland.

4. Remember that the door of hope is always open, so stay close to it and try to influence him indirectly by showing him some examples of heroic and manly behaviour, such as documentaries and moving clips which convey messages of dignity and heroism. All of these are messages that will go to the subconscious and address part of the problem, in sha Allah, and help in bringing him back to the right path.

5.. Keeping busy with some work that will occupy his time and benefit him physically and financially, such as strenuous physical exercises, or part-time work that does not leave him with free time, but will benefit him financially.

However, before all of that, strive hard in constantly calling upon Allah and asking Him to grant him well-being and bring him back to the truth and the straight path, and to grant him wisdom and enable him to repent sincerely.

And Allah knows best.