Dear shaykh, I arranged my son’s marriage last year, and the expenses were huge. I spent a great deal and my husband swore that he would not pay any more costs, but I had not finished buying everything that was needed for the marriage. My husband’s money was with me and I do not have any money of my own. So I had no choice but to take some money from my husband’s money that was with me, without his knowledge, and I could not tell him. But by Allah, all I took I spent on the costs of the marriage. Now I do not know what to do? Am I a sinner?
The father is obliged to help his son remain chaste by means of marriage, especially if he asks him to do that and he has the need and desire for it, so as to protect him from temptation and to maintain his chastity.
One should be moderate with regard to marriage expenses and not go beyond the bounds of moderation; the spending should not reach the level of extravagance and wastefulness as is common among people nowadays.
The scholars of the Standing Committee said:
Your spending half a million riyals on your daughter’s marriage comes under the heading of extravagance that is forbidden and there is the fear that you may incur punishment because of that unless you repent to Allah, may He be exalted, and give up this extravagance, because wealth belongs to Allah, may He be exalted, and people are entrusted with it. Islam has set out guidelines on how to handle this wealth and has forbidden extravagance and wastefulness. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning): “And those, who, when they spend, are neither extravagant nor miserly, but hold a medium (way) between those (extremes)” [al-Furqan 25:67].
What is meant is: do not be extravagant by overstepping the limits of generosity and spending on sinful things, and do not be miserly in spending; Rather be in between that, i.e., between extravagance and miserliness; adopt a middle path.
End quote from Fatawa al-Lajnah ad-Daimah, 16/220-221
It is not permissible for a woman to spend her husband’s wealth except with his permission, unless he is stingy towards her and her children and does not fulfil his duty towards Allah by spending on their maintenance as obliged. In that case it is permissible for her to take from his wealth whatever is sufficient for her and her children, on a reasonable basis.
Please see the answer to question no. 150250
If the husband has not been miserly towards his son with regard to his marriage and has spent on him in a reasonable manner, without being stingy but in accordance with his financial situation, it is not permissible for you to take anything from his wealth, even if it is to spend on your son’s marriage.
You mentioned that you had spent a great deal on this marriage. If what had been spent was sufficient for what is customary for someone like your son, then he does not have the right to anything more than that and what you took was a transgression against your husband’s wealth.
If it was in line with what is usually spent on marriage in your country, for people of similar standing to you, then you have the right to make up the costs for your son’s marriage in a way that will not adversely affect his father’s wealth or be unfair to him.
What you must do is pay attention to the rights of Allah to this wealth and to the rights of your husband who is the owner of this wealth, as well as the sanctity of the oath that he swore and what is in the best interests of your other children.
You also have to repent and ask for forgiveness, and you have to tell your husband what you did and ask him to forgive you and let you off.
But if you think it most likely that your relationship will be adversely affected or that your husband will get angry and there will be problems between you, then you do not have to tell him. With regard to the extra money that you spent, if you have money of your own from a salary, inheritance or the like, then you should pay back from your wealth what you took from your husband’s wealth without his permission.
If you do not have any wealth, then repent to Allah and ask for His forgiveness for that, and strive to treat your husband kindly as much as you can and pay attention to his rights, in the hope that Allah will forgive you and set things straight between you.
And Allah knows best.