How to Get the Husband to Show Affection

Praise be to Allah.

Affection and compassion are aims of marriage in Islam

One of the greatest aims of marriage according to the laws of Allah is so that affection and compassion may prevail between the spouses . This is the foundation on which married life should be built. Allah, may He be Exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy.” [Ar-Rum 30:21]

Ibn Kathir (may Allah have mercy on him) said: “Affection means love , and compassion means kindness . A man keeps a woman either because he loves her or because he feels compassion towards her because he has children from her.”

How to get husband to show affection 

Our advice to you is not to ignore the affection and compassion between spouses that Allah has mentioned in this verse. Think about the Mothers of the Believers, and the womenfolk of the Companions (may Allah be pleased with them all), especially the role of Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). Try to make your family happy and you will see the effect of that in sha Allah. 

One of the greatest means of attaining happiness and cheerfulness is what was narrated from one of the righteous: “Kindness is something easy: a cheerful face and a gentle word. So try to adopt this kindness towards your husband – until it becomes ingrained in you – and you will win his heart and make him be affectionate and compassionate towards you.” 

But before all that, and above all that, our Lord says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allah orders the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly) then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend. But none is granted it (the above quality) except those who are patient — and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of happiness in the Hereafter, i.e., Paradise and of a high moral character) in this world.” [Fussilat 41:34-35]

Shaykh Ibn Sa’di (may Allah have mercy on him) said: “Good deeds and acts of obedience that are done for the sake of Allah cannot be equal to bad deeds and sins that earn His wrath and do not please Him. Kindness towards others cannot be equal to mistreatment of them. “Is there any reward for good other than good?” [Ar-Rahman 55:60 - interpretation of the meaning].” 

Then He enjoins a specific type of kindness which has a great impact, which is kindness towards the one who treats you badly. “Repel (the evil) with one which is better” i.e., if someone mistreats you, especially if he has great rights over you, such as relatives and friends and the like, and he mistreats you in word or in deed, then respond by treating him kindly. If he cuts off ties with you then uphold ties with him; if he wrongs you, forgive him; if he speaks against you, in your absence or in your presence, do not respond in kind, rather forgive him, and deal with him by speaking kindly; if he shuns you and does not speak to you, then speak nicely to him, and greet him with Salam. If you respond to mistreatment with kind treatment, that will do a great deal of good. 

“then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend” i.e., as if he is close to you and a good  friend. 

“But none is granted it” i.e., this praiseworthy quality is not given to anyone “except those who are patient” and put up with what they dislike, and force themselves to do what Allah loves, for souls are created with a natural inclination to respond to bad treatment in kind and not to forgive it, so how can they respond in a good manner? 

If a person is patient and obeys the command of his Lord, and understands the great reward, and knows that responding in kind to the one who mistreats him will not achieve anything and will only make the enmity worse, and that treating him kindly will not cause him any humiliation, rather it will raise him in status, because the one who shows humility for the sake of Allah, Allah will raise him in status thereby, then the matter will become easy for him and he will do that with joy and pleasure.  

“and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion” because this is a characteristic of the elite people, by means of which a person attains a high status in this world and in the Hereafter, which is one of the greatest and noblest of characteristics." (Tafsir As-Sa’di, 549-550) 

If all of this applies to the rights of people in general, then what about the rights of your husband? The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “If I were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would have ordered women to prostrate to their husbands, because of the rights that Allah has given them over them.” (Narrated by Abu Dawud, 2140 and Atl-Tirmidhi, 1192; classed as authentic by Al-Albaani in As-Silsilah As-Sahihah, 1203) 

We have started by speaking to you, because you are the one who asked the question, and we think that you are more likely to listen and respond to our advice. If that means giving up some of your rights and forgiving the one who has wronged you, then there is nothing wrong with that. Who can say that giving up some of one's rights or forgiving some mistreatment is shameful or a shortcoming? Rather it is perfection.  

Muslim narrated (2588) from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Charity does not decrease wealth. No one forgives, but Allah increases him in honour, and no one humbles himself before Allah but Allah raises him in status.” 

Tips for a husband who does not care that his wife doesn’t feel well

As for speaking to your husband or rebuking him, it is words of sincere advice and a rebuke from those who love good for him and fear for the bad consequences that he may face as a result of his actions; they want to warn him against obeying satan and making him happy, and disobeying and incurring the wrath of the Most Merciful, may He be Exalted. 

As for his obeying satan, Muslim narrated (2813) that Jabir (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: satan places his throne over the water, then he sends out his troops, and the one who is closest in status to him is the one who causes the greatest amount of Fitnah (tribulation or temptation). One of them comes and says, I have done such and such, and he says: You have not done anything. Then one of them comes and says: I did not leave him until I separated him and his wife. Then he draws him close to him and says: How good you are.” Al-A’mash said: I think he said: “and he embraces him.””  

As for his incurring the wrath of the Most Merciful and disobeying Him, let him listen to what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Fear Allah with regard to women, for you have taken them as a trust from Allah, and intimacy with them has become permissible to you by the word of Allah.” (Narrated by Muslim, 1218) 

Is this how you take a trust from Allah, O slave of Allah?! 

Is this how you deal with the word of Allah, O slave of Allah?! 

Is this how you respond to the advice of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), who said: “I urge you to treat women well” (Narrated by Al-Bukhari, 3331 and Muslim, 1468)

And he (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” (Narrated by At-Tirmidhi, 3895 and Ibn Majah, 1977; classed as authentic by Al-Albaani in Sahih At-Tirmidhi) 

Or is this what living with them honourably means? Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): “and live with them honourably” [An-Nisa’ 4:19]. 

Is this what taking care of them means? The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The ruler of the people is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of his household and is responsible for his flock. A woman is the shepherd of her husband’s house and children and is responsible for her flock. The slave is the shepherd of his master’s wealth and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.” (Narrated by Al-Bukhari,  893, and Muslim, 1829) 

Have you not heard what the great Companion, `Aa’idh ibn `Amr (may Allah be pleased with him) said when he entered upon `Ubaydullah ibn Ziyad, the oppressive governor? The companion (may Allah be pleased with him) said to him: O my son, I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) say: “The worst of guardians are those who are cruel. Beware lest you be one of them.” (Narrated by Muslim, 1830)

Are you not afraid that you may be one of them? 

Have you never heard that everyone gets headaches sometimes?  

We have never heard of anything stranger or weirder than this. 

Or perhaps you need some proof? Listen to this, O slave of Allah: 

It was narrated that `Aishah (may Allah be pleased with her) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) came back from Al-Baqi` and I had a headache and was saying, Oh my head. He said, “Rather, I should say, Oh my head, O `Aishah.” (Narrated by Ibn Majah, 1465; classed as authentic by Al-Albani in Takhrij Al-Mishkat, 5970) 

You should remember that when the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) died, `Aishah (may Allah be pleased with her) was eighteen years old, which means that when she complained of this headache when she was younger than eighteen, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) believed her and treated her with compassion. `Aishah (may Allah be pleased with her) was asked: What did the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) do in his house? She said: He used to serve his family, then when the time for prayer came, he would go out to pray. (Narrated by Al-Bukhari, 676) 

This is evidence if you need it, but we do not think that you need evidence. Rather you need to act. The way is ahead of you but you are not moving. 

We have spoken to you at length, but if a person does not benefit from a little then he will not benefit from a lot.  

You should think that you may be afflicted one day and you will need this weak woman to support you and look after your affairs. Would you like her to treat you as you are treating her?  

Or would you like her to be better than you, and to believe you, although you did not believe her, and to support you, although you let her down, and to treat you kindly although you are treating her harshly, and to be forbearing towards you although you are treating her ignorantly. 

By Allah, even the sweeter of the two is bitter. 

Choose for yourself the path of kindness. “Is there any reward for good other than good?” [Al-Rahman 55:60 - interpretation of the meaning]

For more details, please see the following category: Kind Treatment of Spouses

And Allah knows best.