My question is: I am a young girl of 19 years who has received a proposal. He was my senior in high school and unfortunately we had a short lived haram relationship of talking to each other unlawfully. We both repented and he wants to marry me. His father is an apostate suffering from Bipolar type 2 disorder and Obsessive compulsive disorder. I read that OCD patients suffer from religious obsessions about the devil. Is he accountable for his apostasy due to his mental illness? secondly, he wants to know how to deal with this situation in the correct way as well as the rest of the family. his mother still lives with his father. Due to his illness, the father also caused financial ruin (linked to bipolar 2). What are the rights of the family in this case and the rights of the father over them? He is extremely non compliant with treatment. Lastly, if i do marry him, what kind of relationship should I and our children have with his father?
Compulsive waswaas refers to thoughts and bad ideas that come one after another to a person’s mind even though he does not want them, in such a way that he cannot rid himself of them, even though he knows and is certain that they are foolish and unacceptable thoughts. They keep coming to his mind compulsively, which causes him a great deal of anguish and distress.
The remedy for compulsive waswaas and other types of waswaas is to remember Allah a great deal, obey Him, and turn to Him, beseeching Him, and seeking refuge with Him; to overlook and ignore the waswaas, and not let oneself get carried away with it. In some cases there is a need to consult a doctor.
Allah will not punish a person or call him to account for this waswaas, because it is beyond his control and overwhelms him; it does not happen by his choice. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope”
“Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allah will grant after hardship, ease.”
“So keep your duty to Allah and fear Him as much as you can”
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, will forgive my ummah for whatever crosses their minds so long as they do not act upon it or speak of it.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6664; Muslim, 127.
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
Allah will not punish the one who suffers from compulsive waswaas, because He, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning): “our Lord! Put not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear” [al-Baqarah 2:286] and “Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope” [al-Baqarah 2:286]. But the one who is suffering from waswaas has to frequently seek refuge with Allah from the accursed Shaytaan and ignore it; if he does that, then it will depart from him by Allah’s leave. End quote.
Fataawa Noor ‘ala ad-Darb, 24/2
If this man speaks words of kufr (disbelief) and words that put him beyond the pale of Islam because of this compulsive waswaas, without being aware of what he is saying or understanding what it means, or he understands what it means but he did not intend to say it and did not say it voluntarily – rather he said it under the pressure of this waswaas which forced him to say it – then he will not be punished for it, because it is beyond his control. He comes under the same ruling as one who speaks words of kufr because he is forced to do so. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Whoever disbelieved in Allah after his belief, except him who is forced thereto and whose heart is at rest with Faith but such as open their hearts to disbelief, on them is wrath from Allah, and theirs will be a great torment”
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
If he is forced to disbelieve and he disbelieves, but his heart is at rest with Faith, then he is not deemed to be a disbeliever, because there is an impediment to doing so, which is that he was forced. End quote.
Majmoo‘ Fataawa wa Rasaa’il al-‘Uthaymeen, 3/54
It says in al-Mawsoo‘ah al-Fiqhiyyah, 13/229:
It is not permissible to describe as a disbeliever one who was forced to utter words of disbelief when his heart was at rest with Faith. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning): “…except him who is forced thereto and whose heart is at rest with Faith …” [an-Nahl 16:106]. End quote.
See also the answer to question no. 62839
Based on that, this man is not to be deemed an apostate, unless he says or does something to indicate disbelief at the time when he is aware of what he is doing, and he says or does it voluntarily. In that case he would be deemed an apostate and would bear full responsibility for his words or deeds.
The family’s role towards this poor father may be summed up as follows:
1. All the members of the family have to show patience towards him with regard to unpleasant things that happen with him, because that is happening without him intending it to.
2. They should strive to find treatment for him and spend as much as they can on that, and use tricks to treat him. Many cases of waswaas are in fact cases of sickness that can be treated by psychologists and the like.
3. They should offer a lot of supplication and beseech Allah to remove this harm and heal him.
4. Ruqya as prescribed in Islam. His son, wife or any other family member or other person may perform ruqya for him as prescribed in Islam. Allah may heal types of chronic sickness by His grace, by means of Islamically prescribed ruqya from the Qur’an and Sunnah.
See also the answer to question no. 3476
If this suitor is of good character and religiously committed, then there is nothing wrong with marrying him, whether his father is healthy or otherwise, and whether he is a Muslim or an apostate. None of those factors are an impediment to marrying his son, so long as the son is religiously committed and of good character.
However we do not think that you should rush to accept such a person; rather proceeding with caution in the case of such proposals that may lead to complicated social problems is better, more sensible and wiser.
You have to let your guardians know about the matter and they should find out the facts for themselves, so that they can make the right decision for their daughter.
If you feel that this will have an impact on your life and your social relationships, then you are still young, so if you wait for a more suitable opportunity that is less likely to cause you problems, then perhaps that is better and more appropriate.
If you insist on accepting this suitor, and your guardians agree to it, then you and your husband should have separate accommodation; that is more likely to avoid problems and keep you away from troubles.
Moreover, he will be the grandfather of your children and also your father-in-law, the father of your husband, so you should strive hard to treat him kindly as much as you can.
See also the answer to question no. 130935.
For more information, please see the answer to question no. 146463
And Allah knows best.