I am asking you for help. I like a young man and he asked me to go out with him, but I do not know what I should say to him. I am confused, please help me.
We are very happy that you have asked us for help with this matter before going ahead with it. We only like for you what we would like for our own daughters and sisters. Protect the most valuable thing that you have, and beware of letting the shaytaan trick you with so-called love or fun.
My daughter, we would be very happy if you prayed regularly, wore hijab, acquired the characteristics of chastity and modesty, and adhered to the teachings of Islam which came to raise man’s status and purify him.
We would be very sad that if you did the opposite of that, and the Shaytaan tricked you and lead you to your doom, so that you would be like a lamb that is led to the slaughter without realizing it.
This is a serious matter, not a joke. Many other girls have gone down this path which led to loss, and they regretted it, but that came when it was too late, at a time when regret was to no avail. On this site you will find many such stories from which you will learn a lesson; beware of becoming a lesson to others.
It is not permissible for a woman to form a relationship with any man who is a stranger (non-mahram) to her, even if her intention is to get married, because Allaah has forbidden being alone with a non-mahram member of the opposite sex, or shaking hands with her or looking at her, except in the case of necessity such as proposing marriage or giving testimony; it is also forbidden for a woman to flaunt her adornment or to uncover her ‘awrah in front of non-mahram men, or to go out among them wearing perfume or to speak softly to men. These prohibitions are known from the evidence of the Qur’aan and Sunnah, and no exceptions are made for one who wants to get married or even for one who is actually proposing marriage, because a fiancé is still a non-mahram and a stranger to the woman until the marriage contract is done.
1 – The reports that indicate that it is haraam to be alone with a non-mahram woman even if she is with her fiancé include the report narrated by al-Bukhaari (3006) and Muslim (1341) from Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) who heard the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “No man should be alone with a woman.”
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No, no man is alone with a woman but the third one present is the Shaytaan.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (2165), classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.
2 – The evidence that indicates that it is haraam for a man to look at a woman includes the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts). That is purer for them. Verily, Allaah is All‑Aware of what they do”
Muslim (2159) narrated that Jareer ibn ‘Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: I asked the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) about an accidental look and he commanded me to avert my gaze.
An accidental look is when one’s gaze happens to fall on a woman without one intending it, such as when a man is looking where he is going and so on.
As for a woman, she may look at a man without desire, if there is no risk of fitnah, but if there is any desire or risk of fitnah then it is not permissible.
3 – The evidence that it is haraam to shake hands with a non-mahram woman is the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “If one of you were to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle, that would be better for him than if he were to touch a woman who is not permissible for him.” Narrated by al-Tabaraani from the hadeeth of Ma’qil ibn Yasaar; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 5045. The sin in this case is on both the man and the woman.
4 – The evidence that it is haraam for a woman to flaunt herself and show her adornment before non-mahram men is the hadeeth narrated by Muslim (2128) from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There are two types of the people of Hell whom I have not seen. People with whips like the tails of cattle with which they beat the people, and women who are clothed yet naked, going astray and leading others astray, with their heads looking like the humps of bakht camels, leaning to one side. They will not enter Paradise nor even smell its fragrance, although its fragrance may be detected from such and such a distance.”
The bakht camel is a type of camel that has a long neck.
5 – The evidence that it is haraam for a woman to go out wearing perfume so that non-mahram men can smell its fragrance is the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Any woman who puts on perfume then passes among the people so that they can smell its fragrance is an adulteress.” Nararted by al-Nasaa’i (5126), Abu Dawood (4173) and al-Tirmidhi (2786); classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Nasaa’i.
6 – The evidence that it is haraam to speak softly to men is the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“O wives of the Prophet! You are not like any other women. If you keep your duty (to Allaah), then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner”
If this applies to the pure Mothers of the Believers, then it applies even more so to other women.
That which is called love between a man and a non-mahram woman is bound to include some of these haraam matters, if not all of them or more. May Allaah keep us and you safe from all evil.
What you have to do is repent to Allaah and beware of His wrath and punishment. Break off all ties with this young man immediately and do not think of meeting him. Do not respond to his request to go out with you, rather you should cut off all contact with him completely. The beginning of this evil is when your heart feels attracted to him, then the Shaytaan may gradually lead you to look at him, and speak to him, until you feel love for him. So do not make matters worse by speaking to him or going out with him.
Remember that many calamities begin with small steps, then things happen that no one imagined. How often has a young woman trusted herself too much and thought that that young man would never do anything to her, then the result was that she lost everything. Then this wolf who used to visit her and who wanted to marry her withdraws, because she is no longer fit for him. How can he trust her when she has allowed herself to form a relationship with a man who is not her mahram?
When we say this to you, we are saying it as sincere advice and because we want the best for you. We ask Allaah to protect you from all evils.
And Allaah knows best.