Praise be to Allah.
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (Ramadan), guards her chastity and obeys her husband, she will enter whichever of the gates of paradise she wishes.” Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan (4163); classed as sahih by al-Albani.
Therefore it is obligatory for the wife to obey her husband, so long as it does not involve disobedience towards Allah. This is one of the greatest of good deeds that may lead to paradise, after the woman fulfils her religious duties.
Whilst we appreciate that you are suffering, we advise you to push yourself to respond to your husband’s request as much as you can, and we do not advise you to respond in the same way as he treats you, or to refuse intimacy with him because of his mistreatment, or to respond in kind, even though all of that is permissible for you and you cannot be blamed for it. Rather we advise you to try hard to treat him kindly as much as you can, and to make yourself respond to what he asks of you with regard to intimacy, or even to hasten to do what you know he likes before he asks you for it.
We advise all of the above for two reasons:
Firstly, responding to his mistreatment in kind, even though it is legitimate justice between people, between spouses it only makes the problems worse and does not solve them. No relationship could continue between the spouses in that case; rather it is essential for them to interact with wisdom, forbearance, kindness and deliberation. Every time your husband shows harshness and strictness, wisdom dictates that you should respond in a soft manner; if he becomes stubborn regarding any issue, reason dictates that you should be easy-going regarding that matter, unless it involves sin or severing ties of kinship.
Secondly, Allah, may He be exalted, has taught these good manners to His slaves and shown them the wisdom behind them and the great interest that may be served by adhering to them. He, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
{And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend.
But none is granted it except those who are patient, and none is granted it except one having a great portion [of good]} [Fussilat 41:34-35].
If that etiquette is something that Allah has taught to all people when dealing with one another, then how about the interaction between spouses?
Whatever you are unable to do or cannot bear it, so you do not do it because of what you feel of hurt sometimes, we hope that there will be no sin on you for that, and that you will be excused for it, on condition that this does not become your habit or the regular way in which you deal with your husband, and you do not use it as a means to solve problems between you. For that will only make matters more complicated and will not solve anything; rather it is like letting off steam most of the time or sometimes. The basic principle regarding your relationship with your husband is that you should obey him so long as it does not involve disobedience towards Allah, and you should give him his rights. If he disobeys Allah in the way he treats you, you should still obey Allah in the way you treat him, and try to make yourself do that as much as you can. Perhaps that may be a means of making him mend his ways and change his attitude, and come back to behaving in the way you like and treating you in an honourable manner.
And Allah knows best.
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