You must hasten to repent to Allaah and beg Him to forgive and pardon you, for you have wronged yourself and your religion, and spent this long period of your life in disobedience to Allaah, and the shaytaan has made your bad deeds appear attractive to you. You say that you wanted to call this playboy to Islam, but you should have called yourself to fear Allaah and to beware of His punishment.
It is indeed a great calamity when fathers and mothers fail to protect their daughters and leave them exposed to the “wolves” on the basis of their study. Where is your protective jealousy, O people of Islam? What about the trust (amaanah) concerning which you will be asked before Allaah tomorrow?
Your staying far away from your family was the beginning of this evil, then your getting to know this boy and falling in love with him and becoming so attached that you were afraid to leave him or be far away from him. All of these are things from which you must repent to your Lord before death takes you by surprise when you are in this state. Praise Allaah that there is still some life in your heart which has led you to ask and try to get out of this great calamity. We ask Allaah to save you and keep you safe.
There are some steps that you have to take in order to rid yourself of this sinful relationship, which could lead to your doom in this world and in the Hereafter.
1 – You must resolve firmly to end this relationship out of fear of Allaah and in the hope that He will forgive you for what has happened in the past, not because this boy has treated you badly and hurt you, but because your Almighty Lord has rights over you and you are a believing woman who must strive to please Him and avoid disobeying Him.
2 – You must cut off all means of communication between you and change your place of residence if possible; indeed you should go back to your family so that Allaah will make it easy for you to be distracted and forget about him, and you can be resolved and able to leave him.
3 – You should occupy yourself with worshipping Allaah, by regularly praying, fasting, reciting dhikr and reading Qur’aan, because if the nafs is not kept busy with acts of obedience to Allaah, it will keep you busy in acts of disobedience to Him, and the shaytaan is closer to the person who is falling short and negligent in his worship and religious commitment.
4 – You should not think about this boy at all or about calling him to Islam, because this is one of the tricks of the shaytaan which is aimed at making you incur the wrath of Allaah.
5 – You should remember that you belong to this great religion, so do not let this evildoer have the joy of you drifting away from it. Remember that it is obligatory for every Muslim to disavow himself of the kaafireen and not feel any love in his heart for any one of them, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“You (O Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم) will not find any people who believe in Allaah and the Last Day, making friendship with those who oppose Allaah and His Messenger (Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم), even though they were their fathers or their sons or their brothers or their kindred (people). For such He has written Faith in their hearts, and strengthened them with Rooh (proofs, light and true guidance) from Himself. And He will admit them to Gardens (Paradise) under which rivers flow, to dwell therein (forever). Allaah is pleased with them, and they with Him. They are the party of Allaah. Verily, it is the party of Allaah that will be the successful”
6 – You should look for some righteous friends who can help you to obey Allaah and put a barrier between you and disobedience to Him. You should listen a great deal to tapes of exhortations and raqaa’iq (heart-softening reports) about Paradise and Hell, death and the torment of the grave, so as to increase your faith and make you fear Allaah more, and so that you will realize how insignificant this world and everything in it is, and how important the Hereafter and what Allaah has prepared for its people are.
7 – Say a lot of du’aa’ and ask Allaah to divert evil from you and save you from temptation. For example, you can say: “O Allaah, guide me to what is best for me, and protect me from the evil of my own self. O Allaah, purify my heart and guard my chastity. O Allaah, divert the plot of the Shaytaan away from me. O Controller of the hearts, make my heart adhere firmly to Your religion.”
What matters is that you should say that with humility and proper focus, and chose the times when du’aa’s are answered, such as between the adhaan and iqaamah, whilst prostrating and in the last third of the night. The du’aa’ does not have to be in words narrated in reports (from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)), rather you may ask Allaah for what you need in whatever language you can, declaring your need for Allaah and asking Him to save you, purify you, divert evil from you and cover and conceal you in this world and in the Hereafter.
We ask Allaah to guide you and accept your repentance.
And Allaah knows best.